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Overcoming The Fear Of Responsibility
How do you even begin to find a solution to this fear?
To begin, write here under what is your definition to the word responsibility (this definition is very important, write it here before you keep reading, we will re-check something again in this context).
What is “taking responsibility”?
As children it was much easier, all you had to do was say:
I’m hungry! I want to eat, I’m thirsty, I want something to drink!
Today isn’t much different, we still say the same things, but because we are supposedly adults, our sayings are more relevant to adults.
We’ve grown use to say what our condition is, and what we want, and from that moment on, we enter standby mode.
You can wait for someone to come and serve you beverages, food, salary, buy you a house, give you money, you can wait for the same man to come to you and offer you a better job, offer you a raise, an executive position, you can wait for the potential client to call you and ask for your service, or product, you can wait for love, you can wait for a phone call from your parents to renew the relationship, you can wait for your child to approach you and say he needs help, you can wait for a girl to come to you and offer to go have a drink, you can wait for a man to come to you and tell you there’s no need for you to be here today, go home and spend time with your kid, with your wife.
You can go on waiting, I guarantee you it will not come.
But once you’re waiting, and in waiting status, how many times do you find yourself waiting for a call from a friend, male or female, how many times do you find yourself waiting for an invitation from a girl, how many times do you come home from work, or reach a certain place, and wait for someone to ask how was it? How many times do you wait to be offered your dream job, to be offered a raise, or even a partnership?
How many times do have you found yourself waiting for someone to hear an idea you told a close friend in the local pub, for that person that heard it to get up and approach you with a will to fund you and your idea? How many times have you waited for new clients to come into your shop, or your office, how long have waited for good and devoted employees to come looking for a job, how long have you waited for a journalist to come to your rebellion and ask you about your field, and even publicize you on the paper? How long have you waited to be offered a discount at suppliers? How long have you been waiting for something good to happen in your life?
How long have you been waiting for that perfect girl to bump into you in the street and fall to your feet? How long have you kept waiting for the same girl at the office to ask for your number?
How long have you been waiting for the right deal to come to you?
How long have you been waiting to make money?
Waiting status is a situation where in fact you pass your fate to the hands of other people, not implying that they’re not good people, but you’re not necessarily in their highest priorities. A waiting time isn’t defined, but it is known that it can last a whole life time; you have the power to change this.
We’ve grown use, up from childhood that once we say, cry, or give any sign, or put on our puppy eyes look, we immediately get what we want.
And up to a certain age, our parents are even obliged to this, even by law.
But who’s committed to respond to you today?
I’ll tell you!
Only you, only you are committed to yourself, to make you tomorrow better for you! Only you.
We cannot give ourselves more times, we cannot control time, whether we do something or don’t; it will go on, but we do have the power to control the waiting time.
This time is the time where everything comes dressed negatively, the fear, the criticism, apprehensions, worries, the frustration, the anxiety.
“The waiting time is filled almost always with thought we do not want to hear”.
The waiting time is self-feeding, for we know that the longer the waiting time is, the more room for doubt and negativity, for fears and apprehension, and as soon as they enter and fill the cavity of the waiting time they bring us to a situation where we prolong out decision even further, or the execution, and thus we create even more doubts and fear that again lead to a longer waiting time. “Diminish the waiting time, and thus decrease your negative thought”
“And for sure will reduce your fears, for once we do this, we will have a reverse circulation, there is nothing negative to feed the waiting time, and thus there is action, this action can produce us a positive reaction, which will lift our self-esteem, and our confidence at our own abilities, and thus they will rise, taking responsibility comes from a place where we know we can.
A small tip for dealing with negative thoughts:
One of the best known tricks in the world, both in the medical and the alternative therapies, for dealing with concern and negative thinking is preoccupying one’s self. But what you do is totally up to you!
“If whenever the will rises you will go and do it, the desire will shortly become shorter than the waiting time, it would seem just as real to you.
You can bring yourself to a place of content without feeling immediate hunger or thirst.
By going and taking – approach and ask, suggest, raise, do!
But there’s still a huge gain for not taking responsibility.
Not taking responsibility means, to strengthen your belief of your own incompetence, and even legitimize to everyone what you believe of yourself, here are some examples of what beliefs and thoughts I’m talking about:
1. It’s not my fault I am the way I am.
2. I never asked to be born.
3. I want you to fix me I don’t have the power.
4. Life is unfair! There is no sense in trying to take control of my life.
5. Why go on; I see no use in it.
6. You can’t help me, nobody can help me. I’m useless and a failure.
7. There is no way I’ll ever be able to handle this.
8. I can’t handle the pressure.
9. I don’t care what happens.
10. Stop the world; I want to get off.
11. I have no luck.
12. I am not smart enough.
13. If only I had better luck and had been born to a healthier family or attended a better school, or gotten a better job, etc.
14. How can you say I am responsible for what happens to me in the future? There is fate, luck, politics, greed, envy, wicked and jealous people, and other negative influences that have a greater bearing on my future than I have, surely I have no control on it.
15. How can I ever be happy, seeing how bad my life has been so far?
16. It is my parents fault.
17. The problems in my family have influenced who I am and what I will be; there is nothing I can do to change that.
18. No matter how hard I work, I will never get ahead.
19. I am not made of the right material.
20. You have to accept the luck of the draw.
21. I am who I am; there is no changing me.
22. No one is going to call me crazy, depressed, or troubled and then try to change me.
What are your thoughts, what do you tell yourself is the reason for not taking responsibility?
What are you waiting for?
How long do you intend to wait?
Who among you can tell me he does not dream of success, of a perfect duality, to ask a date from a girl, to be wanted, to be extraordinary good at something, who doesn’t dream of his business to become profitable, who doesn’t want to be the best friend, the father every child dreams of.
The perfect husband. Who doesn’t want to invent a patent to be sold in millions, to release an amazing disc, to write a best seller, to be a revered businessman on the American “Forbs” magazine, to be a spiritual leader to many, to be a public figure, a politician, to win a medal, to stand in front of an audience and hear their cheers at the end of the lecture, to be independent, to be admitted into the most wanted firm in the field, and much more.
But what do you do when this desire emerges?
Are you one of those who tell themselves how nice it could be if it would be so, if you would wake up tomorrow to this reality.
And a smile appears on their face, thinking what they would do with all that success, what they would buy, where they would travel, how their lives would look, what kind of wife they would have by their side.
And when all these wonderful thoughts end, they look down, and see the current reality, and drop their sails, and stop drifting.
And another dream is washed away, as if it never was.
A bit sad I would say, isn’t it?
And the waiting for the fulfillment of these dreams can be eternal; no one but you has the commitment and responsibility to bring them to you.
How long will you sit and allow other to live for you?
o To choose for you?
o To dream for you?
o To talk for you?
o To answer for you?
o How long are you going to be someone you’re not?
How and who on freaking god gave you the idea that if you give someone else your life, your will be happy.
Stand up for your life; it is yours and only yours
Winston Churchill said once:
History will be kind to me for I intent to write it!
What are you intending on writing today for it to be your history tomorrow.
Life is divided to four:
1. The first part is the time we take to find what we want to do.
2. The second part is the time we take to decide whether to do it.
3. The third part is the time we take to find when would be the best time to do it.
4. The forth part is the time we need to understand why we didn’t do it.
Break this scheme; it is in your hands.
This waiting is a product of our fear.
But the fear is a product of waiting.
You can choose to stop this process once and for all by acting.
You can achieve all you want by making simple and small action, initiate a phone call that will lead to more, make contact, publish an add, promote a meeting or conversation, go to arranged meetings, so you could meet more people with whom you can establish “networking”.
Go to your boss and ask a raise, approach that girl and ask for her number, ask for a discount, ask for help.
One of my clients once told me: if I take responsibility I’ll have to decide, and by that I might endanger my dream, if I decide and will be responsible for something, I might make a mistake, everyone will hate me,
And if that client won’t take that responsibility, isn’t that a bigger risk?
There are those who claim that fear from taking responsibility exists because we do not want to make a mistake.
Learn to forgive yourself for past errors, they are gone, one mistake in the past doesn’t mean that today it will happen again.
A mistake is a mistake only if you do it again, if you don’t, then it is but a lesson.
In one of the biggest computer companies in the world, I was invited to help train one of the top ranking executives there, because he is suppose to take over for the CEO, the president of the firm and the rest of the management are sure of his skills, and his abilities, but every time he gets a project, he doesn’t decide on his own, but calls another person, sometimes the current CEO, and sometime another colleague, to get his perspective of the matter, he tells them that this is because he wishes to show commitment, and to show that he is not driven by ego, but by the company’s best interest. But after several conversation the real reason emerges, he mentioned that once they give him their opinion, they have decided for him, and if there’s a blunder, or something doesn’t work out, they are to blame and not him. The CEO himself was a shrewd and experienced businessman, and could not hide the fact that he knew, and so we decided together to find ways to avoid the question and answers, and so each time he called to ask for his opinion, he found a reason to finish the conversation quickly, without revealing his opinion. And because he had schedule, he had to find an answer within.
This changed everything, for as the number of cases began to grow, he decided more things alone, and that led him to be surer of his personal opinion and judgment.
In one of the meetings, he was asked, what he would like to be thought of by the management.
He responded, quite quickly, that he wanted to be regarded as:
o A leader.
o A decision makes.
o A man who understands.
o And a man that much can be learned from him.
And when he was asked what people think of someone that confers with people on anything?
o Lacking knowledge at the field.
o Not a leader.
o A minor employee.
o Nothing can be learned from him.
When I showed him the two answered he understood that by choosing to act that way he distances himself from all he dreams.
Now it’s your turn!
What would you like people to think of you? At work, at home, and in a business?
To your opinion, what do people whom you know, and whose opinion matters to you, think of a man who does not take responsibility?
What do you think of those people who do not take responsibility, and prefer other to take responsibility for them?
In what areas in your life don’t you take responsibility?
Should you take responsibility for these areas, what do you think would happen, how will your life be in that area?
Now, for each of the fields you’ve mentioned, write by it details of actions, which should you, carry them out, would signify taking responsibility for you.
And now to phase 2.
One of the ways to solve the fear of taking responsibility problem is setting a timetable, a schedule.
So we will begin by you choosing one subject, one area of your life that you’ve written down as an area where you don’t take responsibility, write it down on a separate paper, and add the actions you claim if you carry them out that would signify for you taking responsibility.
To that, add the date in which you will begin.
I’ll just add that people have a tendency to set a round and convenient time for beginning.
For instance in the beginning of the year,
At a birth day,
When I get into the job position,
When I move out,
When I get married,
When I get divorced,
When I lose weight,
When I have a baby,
When I’ll buy a car,
When I’ll buy a house,
The beginning of the month,
The beginning of the week,
When I get back from vacation,
After the holidays,
On my anniversary day,
When the office is ready,
When the house is clean,
But that way we create a margin between today and the said day of execution.
And so we create new time and new room for postponing, which we know from our past, we enable and give room for negative thoughts to rise and stir doubt in us, and our strength.
By doing so, we shoot ourselves in the leg.
We’ll try to compare this to passing between two points, in which we dig a hole and cover it with a lot of trees and grass; we create ourselves a trap that’s hard to not fall for.
Write here now what your new definition to the world responsibility, a definition that you are willing to live by, a definition that every time you’ll remember it you’ll feel better, and every time you remember it you’ll strengthen you will to take responsibility.
I remember a case where I met a doctor who knew he would be a doctor ever since he was born, not because he wanted to but because he needed to continue the family tradition, he’s still a doctor today, his grandfather has passed away, his father too, and his son is already in his second school year,
To the question what would you do if you could relive your life he answered me once, to become an actor.
He chose to play his family’s life game, but his own has yet to be discovered.
Don’t follow the path expected of you, but go on your own way, that one’s that’s right for you.
You got to do what you got to do, in order to be want you want to be
And that my friend is with taking the responsibility for.
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