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The Narcissist Method: How Narcissists Control You in 3 Steps
I’m going to show you the exact method a narcissist uses to manipulate your perceptions so they can pour themselves on you and get their needs met and bear their bad feelings. Narcissists are complex, but they are also patterned and have noticeable patterns of behavior when you are taught how to recognize them.
Narcissists have unresolved personal issues that they are forced to deal with regularly and continuously. When this bombardment of bad feelings hits, their method of easing the pain is to emotionally coerce others into accepting it as their own. All narcissists use this method because it does three things for them:
• Takes it off them immediately. They think it’s your problem, not theirs. You are the problem and they are problem free. When you feel bad and do bad, it makes them feel good, especially if they are the ones who made you feel bad.
• They feel like a good person in the process, another narcissistic requirement, although the definition of good and social good means different things to different narcissists.
• Finally, they enjoy hurting you. They derive pleasure from your pain. It makes them feel powerful and in control of you, which makes them feel good and in control of themselves.
They have an internal need to take their problems out on you, but they can’t seem malicious while doing it, or they won’t have anything to begin with.
They have to be your “friend” to jump at the chance to “help” you with the problem they just created for you. Narcissists always make sure there is plenty of trouble to take advantage of. If there is no problem, they will create one.
So the problem isn’t a problem per se, the problem is that they need a way out right now and they have to create a problem to get it. This is how they turn nothing into something they can use against you for years and years, building it up consistently.
Here is their procedure:
1. Create a problem that involves you, then spin it so that you are responsible and obligated to fix it
This should include you because then they can turn it around appropriately so that you are the one to fix it. Not only does it involve, but you caused it, you are the source of the problem and your behavior needs to be corrected by them. You are responsible and liable for this particular problem because it involves something you did, such as leaving clean clothes in the dryer for too long.
Creating a problem is the hard part, so they usually keep a list of things in their heads that they can use. This list builds over time and they are constantly finding and maintaining new angles to bother you with.
Spinning is the easy part because you’ll be doing the work for them with your low self-esteem. They have already chosen and specifically chosen you as their victim and that you will bear the brunt of their abuse. While creating a problem requires proof, transferring it to you is personal and emotional; it does not require reason or logic. They make you feel like it’s your fault and because you’re a good person, you’ll rush/run to fix it.
The problem is that leaving clean clothes in the dryer is not an adequate excuse and cannot justify the abuse they have to put you through, so they have to make it a lot worse than it is or they will look bad.
What will be the problem? Well, it all depends on how you behave and live your life. Narcissists turn positive character traits into character flaws that bother them. No matter what you do, they will find that there is something wrong with you. They should be opposed to you as a person if you want to serve them as a doormat.
Your unique qualities that set you apart from everyone else are their biggest risk. By denigrating those things you hold most dear about yourself, they kill two birds with one stone, not only draining your source of power against them, but also turning it into a weapon against you. If you are a human being on planet earth, they will find something “wrong” with you.
2. They position themselves as the victim of the problem and the only one who can possibly solve it
It is crucial that the distinction is made without saying: you caused the problem and they are the victim, making you feel like the wrong and bad person. Unless you take action to fix it, you’ve done it on purpose and enjoy hurting them.
Now you kick it into high gear and jump straight into trying to alleviate the problem, but something strange happens: they actually block you from solving the problem, aggressively hinder and second-guess you.
Why? Since you cannot solve the problem, you are incapable. If you do, you will be good and atone for abusing them. They should be the ones to do it because they are so awesome. They don’t have to decide it because they’re not responsible for it, but they will because they’re such fantastic people.
3. Now that you are obligated to solve it, they will undermine you and set you up for failure
The goal here is to make you feel bad that you weren’t enough and failed them not for lack of trying but because you are inadequate. Please remember that whatever you do you will fail, they have already taken care of that.
If you somehow manage to overcome their barriers and solve the problem, they should compensate by being less satisfied with your solution. This is even worse because now they have to abuse you in a different, more direct way to vent their anxiety.
Now they just have to steal the limelight from you, persevere and “solve” the problem themselves. As you can probably guess, there is no problem solving. Because they are the ones who created the problem, they are in control, they can make it go away by not bringing it up again.
It’s “solved” because they feel better and have successfully done you wrong. The problem has served its real purpose of covering up the real problem and can now vanish into thin air.
They feel better because now they have their release, they no longer feel so self-conscious, and their self-image is not only intact, but strengthened and unblemished. However, yours is not and you are now worse off than before this “problem” occurred.
The problem was that they felt bad and had to take it out on you. They drop it because they can’t express it, much less admit it themselves. All they know is that they feel bad and abusing you makes them feel better.
Solving the problem makes things worse for them and for you. They won’t get their release, they’ll feel bad, and they’ll find another way to come at you, maybe with the same problem, but most likely a new one.
Thanks for reading!
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